Confused? So am I. I had to use an internet translator to make my title into gobbly-gook bullshit that only a teenager or speed freak could comprehend. I don’t understand text language, and I feel that attempting to learn would only make me less intelligent and innately worthless to society. Not only do we have America trying to get us to say ‘zee’ instead of ‘zed’ on children’s television, we (decent members of the community who appreciate the English language and its beauty) now have to contend with a new generation that thinks it is cool to speak and write like they have severe brain damage.

I have been pretty adept at avoiding this trend. My primary contact has been through my 12 year old niece when we chat on Pidgin. At times I laugh; at others, I correct her furiously and attempt to get her to read some Roald Dahl or JK Rowling. Recently, however, one of my arenas of solace has been vehemently attacked and has succumbed to such terrible language it makes me want to sob. I have penned an open letter to the Triple J News team to vent.

Dear All Concerned,

Triple J News team, why hast thou forsaken me? Why must you turn overseas into ‘OS’? Why has afternoon become ‘arvo’? Why must juvenile detention be referred to as ‘juvie’? I used to forgive you and make a game of it when you fumbled through your news items, making on average four mistakes per bulletin. I would count them in a loving manner and think about how I would probably make more. But this? How can I possibly forgive this?

I really believe that you have underestimated your audience and given into some kind of terrible trend that will ruin us all. I understand that you are a hip station that has your finger on the pulse, but surely keeping up does not involve whoring yourself out to poor language skills that appeal to mindless drones during the news break. Yes, during other programmes this is mildly acceptable. I can handle it when Rosie or Dools and Linda use a few colloquialisms. But when I want to know what is happening around the nation and the globe, I do not want to be told that “OS, Britt Lapthorne’s body has been discovered” or “a teenager has been sentenced to 13 months in juvie”.  Please fix this abomination Triple J News team. Please.

Yours Sincerely

A concerned and pained citizen.

*For those of you who care about decent English, my title is ‘Triple J has decided that the only way to keep an audience is to assume that we ar all zombies and condescend the fuck out of us. I object’!

I don’t have a particular affinity with many material goods, and I don’t care for gadgets or ’stuff’. Every now and then though, I purchase or am given a material possession that blows my mind. The last was a pepper grinder given to me by my then room mate, and that was over 2 years ago. Best. Kitchen gadget. Ever.

I had a pretty craptastic few days last week, and after one that was mind-blowingly woeful I arrived home to discover these babies on the bed waiting for me. Good ol’ reliable Dan had come to the rescue again.

My reaction? I cried like a little bitch. What can I say, I have a lot of emotions.

I don’t need food or family or friends or my car or a house. I just need these sweet babies, a pair of black opaques and a good concert. I guess I wouldn’t turn my nose up at some absinthe. My ability to be disgustingly shallow at times astounds me.

Chuck Taylor All Star 'Electronics'

As you all know, Dan is the geek and I am the stylish, sophisticated half of the partnership who demonstrates her intelligence by whining and drinking too much. Basically, I am a giant noob. Well, as of late even this giant noob has been schooled in the wonders of the Free software world. I like my lessons to be kept simple and I like my teachers to speak in an intelligent yet non-condescending manner. Dan has been doing a really good job of this; his patience astounds me.

But even Dan can’t compete with Stephen Fry.

Watch the video and enjoy.

http://www.gnu.org/fry/

…to either Dryden Strange or Ace Wild. These are real people I met. They have the best names ever. I think I am leaning towards Ace Wild. Any ideas?

You might notice there’s a new button in our footer. Here it is again if you can’t be arsed scrolling.

From their FAQ:

Q: What is Class B?
A: Class B is currently the optimal no-www compliance level. This classification helps remind users that, while the www subdomain is accepted, it is not necessary. In Class B, www.example.net is a valid address, but it redirects all traffic to example.net.

So, uh, yeah. You know we’re right.

I am consistently surprised at the idiotic things people say and do. Just when I feel a little comfortable that perhaps everyone around me isn’t a complete douche I am slapped in the face with another example of complete moronic behaviour. I guess it keeps me on my toes, and certainly holds complacency at bay.

Last night my lovely partner and I decided to do a very couple-type-thing and have dinner before catching a flick. It certainly helped that we were both jumping out of our skins to see ‘The Dark Knight’. Risotto and pasta started the night (fantabulously tasty) and afterwards we walked to the cinema full of child-like anticipation. All of the excitement was multiplied when we got pushed to the front of the queue because we had purchased the tickets online. We were seriously VIP and I was forced to do a little wanker-style dance to celebrate the occasion (no, this was not the idiocy that forced me awake to the realities of the world, although I am sure other people had that reaction)!

The movie was magnificent. Everything about it blew my mind. The acting, the composition (musically and visually), the story. I think that perhaps this film gave me the strongest physical reaction I have had since watching ‘Irreversible’. It built and built until I was feeling seriously tense, however I love that it did that to me. I would class it as in my top three so far this year.

To the moment that I cannot rise above. There were four girls sitting behind us talking incessantly throughout the movie. Every now and then I would look at them grumpy old woman style and they would cease the chatter but inevitably it continued. Luckily the film was so I good I could mostly ignore them.

Two hours into ‘The Dark Knight’ the Joker mentioned Gotham. One of the girls behind me asked her friend “Who is Gotham”? I repeat, “WHO IS GOTHAM”?

I like to blame this phenomenon on the fact that Heath Ledger was a sex symbol and many people may attend this film without any knowledge of the story itself, simply to catch a glimpse of him. But holy hell, how can one not know the name Gotham and what Gotham is? Did she grow up in a hovel?

I weep for our children and their lack of knowledge.

(Taken from SMH, Saturday June 28 2008)

This is the writing style that I aspire to and will possibly never attain; however, I will keep trying. I am flabbergasted that somebody would even send this letter in (perhaps it is fabricated by the Agony Aunt in order to produce a perfectly smarmy piece of writing). I would hedge my bets that it was a real person who wrote this complaint, and they are the same type of person that complains about Bill Henson. One minute denouncing artistic and haunting photographs as pornography, the next claiming that a child is a little pervert.

There is a lesson in this. Moral crusaders are mostly hypocritical morons.

Making risotto with one is no fun.

To make risotto fun there must be more than one.

Too.

Much.

Stirring.

Using inverted commas (” “) for emphasis is one of my pet hates; it is flourishing all around us, yet it is so completely and utterly wrong. amospheric will back me up on this one.

Garth Ennis agrees. What a beautiful rant this is.

WARNING: Baaaaaad language to follow.

Taken from Preacher by Garth Ennis (Book 9, Issue 66). I suggest a read of this graphic novel, it is pretty fantabulous.

There are a plethora of things that really get my goat about World Youth Day, and I am sure there will be plenty more rants about it over the weeks ahead. I don’t have too much time right now, however I want it noted that I am seriously perturbed that instead of roadworks or weather information on the F3, I was assaulted with flashing signs telling me that there is only 35 days until World Youth Day. WTF? My tax is paying for that freaking sign. I do NOT wish to know when a religious event is occurring and I find it so very insulting that somebody has assumed I do. Surely they have better uses for those signs? Like an “LA Story” style self-help guru thingo? Anything is better than a reminder that Catholicism still exists and is sucking in youngsters. Disgusting.